Friday, September 28, 2007

Carb free?

Well it's taken a while, but I'm finally feeling better about our decision to put the fertility drugs on hold. First, off I'm very excited and hopeful that I will get a new job that will give me the insurance coverage that I'm seriously lacking currently. Second, I've decided to use this time to get healthy. I'm over weight because of the PCOS so I've decided if I'm going to be taking a break, I should use this opportunity to lose some weight. I'm not deluding myself that I will be able to lose all the weight that is needed to bring myself into the healthy range in the few short months that our break should be, but it will only help. M is concerned that I don't eat enough as it is. He feels that I can't afford to eat less than I do now. I tried explaining to him that my problem is not the amount of food I eat, but that I eat all the wrong foods for my disorder. I really shouldn't be eating sugar and carbs, but I do because it's what I enjoy eating. All of my favorite foods are carb related and that's a problem for someone in my condition. As much as it's going to be disappointing, I will have to eat more fruits and veggies and less potato, rice and cereal. Cereal is going to be the hardest for me since I have to eat breakfast and that's the easiest and what I want to eat. I'll just have to think of something else.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Am I doing the right thing?

Ok so today I can't stop crying. I'm trying to realize that the stopping treatments is the only option we really have, but I can't help but feel like I'm making a huge mistake. Logically, I know that I have to have the funds to be able to continue treatments. Emotionally, I feel like I'm giving up on my dream to be a mom. That's not really true. We aren't stopping forever, just long enough for us to get through Christmas and birthdays and get back on our feet. I just feel like if I'm not actively trying, it's not going to work at all. I found myself at work crying most of the afternoon. I guess I'm just waiting for my fairy godmother to pop down from the sky and give me the baby I so badly want. I'm not even asking for the world. I've always wanted 3 kids, but I would settle happily for 1 child if that's what was in the cards for me. I just don't think I can easily settle for no children. I keep trying to think to all the good things in my life, but right now I'm just hung up on what I want and can't have. I feel like a child being told no. That's all I think about now. Funny thing is that I've been the one to want to take the break for financial reasons, but my husband is always the one to say no. This time it wasn't too hard to convince him to give this a try. It really just came down to not having the money. That's another thing I hate. Its not as if money will solve all my problems in life, but it sure as heck would help. If I could just have more of it. :) Oh, well nothing I can really do about that. I am trying to get a new job and at the moment, that's the best that I can do. So to answer my question, yes I'm doing something for all the right reasons, but it's not what my heart really wants and that's the part that is killing me.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Everything on hold

Ok lets see....It's been about 3 weeks since I've written. I haven't done so before because honestly I just haven't felt like it. But now I wish I would have. Lets see....So I got new glasses which seems to be helping my eye problems. I haven't had any more ocular migraines since the original ones 3 weeks ago. On September 10th, we had our 4th IUI, 2nd post surgery, and today my temp has taken that dreaded dip which means that we didn't get pregnant this time either. Granted nothing is set in stone, no guarantees until auntie flow finally shows. But I've been charting my BBT for 2 years now and not once has a dip rebounded to mean that I really am pregnant. Surprisingly I'm ok with not being pregnant. The part I'm not ok with is that M and I had a discussion this morning and I think we are going to have to put the baby making on hold until after the new year. I don't want to, but with my birthday, M's birthday and Christmas all coming up in the next few months, we just can't afford to continue spending $300 a month on our infertility. So I think we have agreed that we will put things on hold and try naturally for the next few months. I pray to God that I will continue to ovulate on my own without Clomid so we still have a shot to try naturally. If I don't, I guess we will accept it. I'm also in the process of trying to see if I can get a job with the state which will give me insurance coverage for all of our infertility treatments, which we don't have now. Hopefully I will get the job, and maybe we will have insurance coverage before the first of the year and we can get started sooner. M and I both agree that we really want to be able to move forward in our treatments, but are unable to do so in our current situation. We just don't have the funds for the injectable medicines let alone the IVF. I would really like to finally move to treatment that is going to actually give us what we so very badly want. So I guess it's just a wait and see now. In a way I'm looking forward to the little break because it means that I won't have to have all those doctor appointments and we can stop spending all that money. But I don't want to wait because that's not going to get me a baby any sooner. M and I both wanted to have a baby before we were 30, but with my 30th next month, that's not an option for us. There are plenty of couples who have babies in their late 30's, I just never thought it would be me. I am the oldest woman in my family to have kids. Of course, I'm also the only one that was born with this dreadful, hurtful, awful condition. Guess it's just the luck of the draw....Lucky me!