Well it's taken a while, but I'm finally feeling better about our decision to put the fertility drugs on hold. First, off I'm very excited and hopeful that I will get a new job that will give me the insurance coverage that I'm seriously lacking currently. Second, I've decided to use this time to get healthy. I'm over weight because of the PCOS so I've decided if I'm going to be taking a break, I should use this opportunity to lose some weight. I'm not deluding myself that I will be able to lose all the weight that is needed to bring myself into the healthy range in the few short months that our break should be, but it will only help. M is concerned that I don't eat enough as it is. He feels that I can't afford to eat less than I do now. I tried explaining to him that my problem is not the amount of food I eat, but that I eat all the wrong foods for my disorder. I really shouldn't be eating sugar and carbs, but I do because it's what I enjoy eating. All of my favorite foods are carb related and that's a problem for someone in my condition. As much as it's going to be disappointing, I will have to eat more fruits and veggies and less potato, rice and cereal. Cereal is going to be the hardest for me since I have to eat breakfast and that's the easiest and what I want to eat. I'll just have to think of something else.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Ok so today I can't stop crying. I'm trying to realize that the stopping treatments is the only option we really have, but I can't help but feel like I'm making a huge mistake. Logically, I know that I have to have the funds to be able to continue treatments. Emotionally, I feel like I'm giving up on my dream to be a mom. That's not really true. We aren't stopping forever, just long enough for us to get through Christmas and birthdays and get back on our feet. I just feel like if I'm not actively trying, it's not going to work at all. I found myself at work crying most of the afternoon. I guess I'm just waiting for my fairy godmother to pop down from the sky and give me the baby I so badly want. I'm not even asking for the world. I've always wanted 3 kids, but I would settle happily for 1 child if that's what was in the cards for me. I just don't think I can easily settle for no children. I keep trying to think to all the good things in my life, but right now I'm just hung up on what I want and can't have. I feel like a child being told no. That's all I think about now. Funny thing is that I've been the one to want to take the break for financial reasons, but my husband is always the one to say no. This time it wasn't too hard to convince him to give this a try. It really just came down to not having the money. That's another thing I hate. Its not as if money will solve all my problems in life, but it sure as heck would help. If I could just have more of it. :) Oh, well nothing I can really do about that. I am trying to get a new job and at the moment, that's the best that I can do. So to answer my question, yes I'm doing something for all the right reasons, but it's not what my heart really wants and that's the part that is killing me.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Ok lets see....It's been about 3 weeks since I've written. I haven't done so before because honestly I just haven't felt like it. But now I wish I would have. Lets see....So I got new glasses which seems to be helping my eye problems. I haven't had any more ocular migraines since the original ones 3 weeks ago. On September 10th, we had our 4th IUI, 2nd post surgery, and today my temp has taken that dreaded dip which means that we didn't get pregnant this time either. Granted nothing is set in stone, no guarantees until auntie flow finally shows. But I've been charting my BBT for 2 years now and not once has a dip rebounded to mean that I really am pregnant. Surprisingly I'm ok with not being pregnant. The part I'm not ok with is that M and I had a discussion this morning and I think we are going to have to put the baby making on hold until after the new year. I don't want to, but with my birthday, M's birthday and Christmas all coming up in the next few months, we just can't afford to continue spending $300 a month on our infertility. So I think we have agreed that we will put things on hold and try naturally for the next few months. I pray to God that I will continue to ovulate on my own without Clomid so we still have a shot to try naturally. If I don't, I guess we will accept it. I'm also in the process of trying to see if I can get a job with the state which will give me insurance coverage for all of our infertility treatments, which we don't have now. Hopefully I will get the job, and maybe we will have insurance coverage before the first of the year and we can get started sooner. M and I both agree that we really want to be able to move forward in our treatments, but are unable to do so in our current situation. We just don't have the funds for the injectable medicines let alone the IVF. I would really like to finally move to treatment that is going to actually give us what we so very badly want. So I guess it's just a wait and see now. In a way I'm looking forward to the little break because it means that I won't have to have all those doctor appointments and we can stop spending all that money. But I don't want to wait because that's not going to get me a baby any sooner. M and I both wanted to have a baby before we were 30, but with my 30th next month, that's not an option for us. There are plenty of couples who have babies in their late 30's, I just never thought it would be me. I am the oldest woman in my family to have kids. Of course, I'm also the only one that was born with this dreadful, hurtful, awful condition. Guess it's just the luck of the draw....Lucky me!
Friday, August 31, 2007
Ok so yesterday morning when I got out of the shower I noticed this things wrong with my eyes. Like flashes in my peripheral vision. It went away after about 30 mins so I forgot about it. Until this morning when it happened again. But it still didn't last very long. So I call the eye doctor (who of course took today off to start the holiday weekend sooner) and had to make an appointment with the on call doctor. It appears I now have ocular migraines. I get tension migraines have for most of my life, but never had any eye problems at all. So I asked the doctor today what causes these ocular migraines and he asked me if I had been under any stress. Um, gee I don't know doc, I've been trying to get knocked up for the last 2 years, have had routine internal exams for most of that time and even had surgery. No I don't think I've been under any stress at all :) Geez....as if all of the normal problems that I've got, now I have to have more? Sometimes I find myself asking "when is enough enough?" I sometimes I feel like I've been put through the wringer but yet there is no end. I'm ok with having this develop. I was very nervous that it was something serious but when he told me it was a form of migraine, then that's nothing. But when added to everything else I already deal with, it's just another problem. I just have to look at this with a positive spin....It could be a ton worse than it is. And an ocular migraine is better than a regular migraine since I didn't have any pain with it.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Things are going well here, I know I haven't written in a while, but it's been pretty quiet. I'm just waiting for ovulation time so we can get back to trying for a baby. I hope that I don't have to take much more clomid because I think this 200 mgs is giving me huge mood swings that is going to cause problems with me and everyone around me. Tonight M and I got into a fight. Well actually I did the screaming and he just stood there not sure what to say. After he left I felt like a heel and had to apologize. Unfortunately this isn't the first time either. Yesterday I got aggravated at work and took it out on someone who didn't have anything to do with the problem. Again I had to apologize for my moody behavior. I don't remember having mood swings like this last cycle and I hope they don't continue. I will have to have a chat with M and let him know that I am obviously moody and hope he won't hold it against me. Maybe if he keeps a low profile for a couple of days it will all pass. But I don't want him to have to walk on eggshells around me either. Also my hot flashes are back and as bad as ever. I was lucky and for a couple of weeks I wasn't really bothered much by them. I almost forgot about them all together until I started my clomid this cycle. Gee, I'm so glad to be a woman pumped full of hormones. I just hope that M and I will survive this bout of bad times. I know we will, unless I go postal and end up killing us all :) I could really use some good times ahead. We are going to be doing an IUI again this time and if my cycle is as good as it was last time, then there is no reason for us not to get pg this time. I say my prayers every night and I am trying to stay calm (well unless I'm in bitch-from-hell mode) and just doing anything I can do to make it work. If we could get pregnant this cycle, it will be perfect because in September M and I will be celebrating our 5 yr anniversary about a week after I should have the IUI. What better present could I give my husband and vice versa. If all goes well, it will work out perfectly this time.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Today was my appointment with Dr. W. It was time again to get clomid for the umpteenth time so I needed to get my exam. During the visit, my doctor told me that my chart was "perfect" which is something I've been striving for for the past 6 months, but was unable to achieve. I guess I just hadn't reached the correct dose of 200 mgs. I left the appointment feeling very encouraged and inspired. Finally it looks like we've conquered one of our fertility issues. Now it's a matter of dealing the other. If we can keep me ovulating like I should, then I believe that we will be pregnant soon. Hopefully by the end of the year. What a great anniversary present if I was able to get pregnant on this cycle. M and I will have been married for 5 years next month and I can't think of a better anniversary gift than a baby. Plus as an added bonus, we would be able to tell everyone by Christmas. Of course, we probably won't be able to wait to tell anyone because we'll be too excited. Everyone knows that we have been going though all of this for a while so it will be a hard secret to keep for 3 months. Hopefully I will get the chance soon to see if it's something I'm able to do. We are going to try doing an IUI again this cycle. His parents offered to pay for it, but I'm still not sure if I will accept the offer or not. But we have a couple of weeks to decide what we are going to do.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Yesterday I started having cramps and spotting so it was only a matter of time before my period officially started. And it has, yippee for me. I'm ok with this not being "the month." M seems to be a little better about not being pregnant. It's hard on all of us, but if we can accept it easier, then it makes life more comfortable. I get to meet with Dr. W tomorrow so that's great news. I don't get the same vibe from the other doctors in the practice. It's great when he is available. I'm feeling more hopeful about our situation. I know that we didn't get pregnant this time, but things seemed to be better in my opinion than they have in the past. Now we just have to see what Dr. W says. Hopefully he will agree.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Ok, so today my temp went up a little. Not great, but a start. I've been waiting for aunt flow to start but do not feel like it is even eminent. That is not to say it won't show up say tomorrow, but maybe it won't show up at all? Is it even possible anymore? Or am I too far along to even have that possibilty in this cycle. As cruel as it is, I find myself still praying that I'm pregnant this cycle. M started seeing this situation with a touch of reality that he's never had before. He started realizing that just because we want to have a baby and we would make great parents doesn't mean that we will get the opportunity. That was sad for me to hear. I'm well aware of that, but to hear that my husband who has always believed that all you have to do is want it to get it say we may not get the chance to be parents was hard. I don't want him to become disillusioned and hardened because of this. I know it's good that he has a touch of reality to the situation. I just wish this was something he never had to experience. They say what does not kill us makes us stronger. I had hoped that we would be strong enough already. That we would finally get our break. It's still a waiting game to find out for sure. As silly as it is, I still find myself hopful even after all that we've faced so far. Guess we'll just have to wait to see....
Monday, August 20, 2007
Today my temp dropped nearly a full degree. I'm 99% positive that I am not pregnant this cycle, but despite that, I still find myself full of hope. I know that I'm most likely setting myself up for huge heartache, but if you don't think positive nothing will happen right? Nothing is a guarantee until I actually get my period. I found myself praying today that my temp will be up tomorrow when I take it. Is that foolish? I want to be pregnant more than anything, but I no longer know what to do to make it happen. I've tried surgery, meds and IUIs and still 2 yrs later no baby. I would love to just jump to IVF, but we are faced with the fact that our insurance does not cover the procedure and we do not have that kind of money laying around in the bank. M is getting more disappointed the longer it takes, and I no longer know how to help him. I've taken on the attitude that when it's supposed to happen, it will. M however is unable to do that. Even with adopting this philosophy none of this is easy to say the least. I just find myself being less obsessive than I was say 6 months ago. I sometimes find myself wondering why those who want a baby so bad are unable to have children and those who don't want them do. But that's just a question none of us can answer. Everyone tells me that God has his plan. I just wish I knew if my having a baby was part of that plan. But again, I'm just wishing for things that I can't have or change. I think I could handle all of this a lot easier if I just knew that after x number of times of this and y number of times of that, I will have what I want. That still falls into the category of a need to know basis and I'm obviously not one who needs to know. So I guess the the moral of this story is it's not over until it's over.....Please let this not be over.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
For nearly two years, my husband M and I have been trying to have a baby. I have PCOS and he has a borderline low sperm count. Two strikes against us makes it a lot harder to have the baby we both desire with all our hearts. This cycle we started out taking 200 mgs of Clomid, my highest dose to date. On cd 17, we had an IUI. Starting that night and continuing for 5 more days, I experienced ovulation pains. This is also a first for me. Now here I am 12 dpo, my temp is still up and I find myself hoping that this is the cycle I will become pregnant. In the past, my temp begins to fall between 11 and 12 dpo. With today being 12 dpo and still being up, I have worked myself into a complete frenzy. All weekend, I've had such a hard time sleeping. I find myself getting more and more nervous as it gets closer to me finding out if I'm actually pregnant this time. I've made myself sick today. My stomach is so upset with nerves, I had to buy a hpt and take it. Of course it was negative, but I'm not worried. It's still early. Plus my nipples have become sore today (which is not a normal pms symptom for me). I'm never going to be able to sleep tonight. As strange as it sounds, I find myself being nervous that I'm not pregnant, but I'm just as nervous because I could be pregnant. I've been working for this for the past two years, but now I'm wondering am I ready? If I am finally pg, how am I going to tell my hubby? When do I tell the rest of the family? I'm so scared of miscarriage that I'm thinking I'm not going to tell everyone until the second trimester. But now once again, I'm over analyzing. I don't even know if I'm pregnant yet. This is going to be the longest 3 days of my life......