Monday, September 24, 2007
Am I doing the right thing?
Ok so today I can't stop crying. I'm trying to realize that the stopping treatments is the only option we really have, but I can't help but feel like I'm making a huge mistake. Logically, I know that I have to have the funds to be able to continue treatments. Emotionally, I feel like I'm giving up on my dream to be a mom. That's not really true. We aren't stopping forever, just long enough for us to get through Christmas and birthdays and get back on our feet. I just feel like if I'm not actively trying, it's not going to work at all. I found myself at work crying most of the afternoon. I guess I'm just waiting for my fairy godmother to pop down from the sky and give me the baby I so badly want. I'm not even asking for the world. I've always wanted 3 kids, but I would settle happily for 1 child if that's what was in the cards for me. I just don't think I can easily settle for no children. I keep trying to think to all the good things in my life, but right now I'm just hung up on what I want and can't have. I feel like a child being told no. That's all I think about now. Funny thing is that I've been the one to want to take the break for financial reasons, but my husband is always the one to say no. This time it wasn't too hard to convince him to give this a try. It really just came down to not having the money. That's another thing I hate. Its not as if money will solve all my problems in life, but it sure as heck would help. If I could just have more of it. :) Oh, well nothing I can really do about that. I am trying to get a new job and at the moment, that's the best that I can do. So to answer my question, yes I'm doing something for all the right reasons, but it's not what my heart really wants and that's the part that is killing me.