Monday, September 24, 2007

Am I doing the right thing?

Ok so today I can't stop crying. I'm trying to realize that the stopping treatments is the only option we really have, but I can't help but feel like I'm making a huge mistake. Logically, I know that I have to have the funds to be able to continue treatments. Emotionally, I feel like I'm giving up on my dream to be a mom. That's not really true. We aren't stopping forever, just long enough for us to get through Christmas and birthdays and get back on our feet. I just feel like if I'm not actively trying, it's not going to work at all. I found myself at work crying most of the afternoon. I guess I'm just waiting for my fairy godmother to pop down from the sky and give me the baby I so badly want. I'm not even asking for the world. I've always wanted 3 kids, but I would settle happily for 1 child if that's what was in the cards for me. I just don't think I can easily settle for no children. I keep trying to think to all the good things in my life, but right now I'm just hung up on what I want and can't have. I feel like a child being told no. That's all I think about now. Funny thing is that I've been the one to want to take the break for financial reasons, but my husband is always the one to say no. This time it wasn't too hard to convince him to give this a try. It really just came down to not having the money. That's another thing I hate. Its not as if money will solve all my problems in life, but it sure as heck would help. If I could just have more of it. :) Oh, well nothing I can really do about that. I am trying to get a new job and at the moment, that's the best that I can do. So to answer my question, yes I'm doing something for all the right reasons, but it's not what my heart really wants and that's the part that is killing me.


r_is_moody said...

I completely understand where you are coming from. I recently stopped all treatments because of money too. I have a hard time believing there is any way that I can get pg on my own, so I feel hopeless. Like my dream is further and further away. All this to say I hope you can find some peace during your time off. And that holidays and birthdays will be a good distraction.

katarinajellybeana said...

I'm sorry you're having a rough time with this. Breaks can sometimes feel like the end of the world. Really embrace the time off if you're able to.

Cry until you're done. Then you can allow the time to rejuvinate and strengthen you. You'll come out of the break ready to go. You'll be ok--I promise.

B said...

In short, yes, you're doing the right thing.

If you were to push forward against your better financial judgement, imagine how the added stress would affect your TTC process.

I'm on indefinite hold right now. I had put so much pressure on myself that I had a breakdown. While my better judgement would have guided me to wait on treatments-- my partner and I were not on the same page, we couldn't afford the additional costs above what insurance paid, and I was working against my body and it's PCOS-y ways.

I understand where you're at right now. It will get better. Especially since you have a light at the end of your tunnel (the new year), and have the chance (albeit slim) of a surprise in the meantime.

Good luck. I hope the break proves to be a good thing for you. Financially, physically, even mentally.


Sunny said...

I have been on a long wait too. Waiting to switch insurances. It was so scary but you know what? It felt good to be 'normal' and to not worry. Now I am worried if I will be able to get back in the treatment mode again.