Monday, August 20, 2007

Still have hope

Today my temp dropped nearly a full degree. I'm 99% positive that I am not pregnant this cycle, but despite that, I still find myself full of hope. I know that I'm most likely setting myself up for huge heartache, but if you don't think positive nothing will happen right? Nothing is a guarantee until I actually get my period. I found myself praying today that my temp will be up tomorrow when I take it. Is that foolish? I want to be pregnant more than anything, but I no longer know what to do to make it happen. I've tried surgery, meds and IUIs and still 2 yrs later no baby. I would love to just jump to IVF, but we are faced with the fact that our insurance does not cover the procedure and we do not have that kind of money laying around in the bank. M is getting more disappointed the longer it takes, and I no longer know how to help him. I've taken on the attitude that when it's supposed to happen, it will. M however is unable to do that. Even with adopting this philosophy none of this is easy to say the least. I just find myself being less obsessive than I was say 6 months ago. I sometimes find myself wondering why those who want a baby so bad are unable to have children and those who don't want them do. But that's just a question none of us can answer. Everyone tells me that God has his plan. I just wish I knew if my having a baby was part of that plan. But again, I'm just wishing for things that I can't have or change. I think I could handle all of this a lot easier if I just knew that after x number of times of this and y number of times of that, I will have what I want. That still falls into the category of a need to know basis and I'm obviously not one who needs to know. So I guess the the moral of this story is it's not over until it's over.....Please let this not be over.

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